Why Im walking away from the left and Satanism..

I’ve been really struggling lately, especially in light of recent events. I’ve never been a particularly political person, I always considered myself left-leaning, but I never registered to vote, never cast a ballot. If anyone asked me about politics, my typical response would be something like, “None of them can be trusted. They’re all corrupt in their own ways and only serve the interests of themselves and their donors.”

Religion wasn’t much different for me. I’ve never been religious. In fact, I’ve had experiences with extreme religious individuals that left a bad taste in my mouth, hostility, judgment, hypocrisy, and more. Over the years, I began to identify as an atheistic Satanist. Not because I believed in the devil, hell, or anything supernatural. It was more about two things.

First, it served as a kind of deflection. I didn’t want to conform to Christianity or be preached to. I didn’t want to pretend to believe in a book that didn’t align with my conclusions about life. People who knew I identified as a Satanist generally avoided pushing their beliefs on me and that was freeing.

Second, I connected with the core tenets of Satanism, at least in theory, ideas like empathy, justice, bodily autonomy, individual freedom, scientific understanding, accepting human imperfection, and living by your own principles. I tried to get involved with The Satanic Temple, but honestly, it felt shallow. It seemed to revolve mainly around LGBTQ+ activism, abortion rights, and provocative slogans like “Hail Satan!” shouted at every opportunity.

Do I oppose those causes? Not necessarily. But the movement lacked the connection I was searching for as I didn't see myself connecting with grown men and women acting like cliquish children. So I took the imagery and identity and made it my own, in a quieter, more personal way.
That’s just a little background on where I’ve been in recent years.

Over the past couple decades, I’ve watched the world change and not for the better. More recently open borders have allowed both the U.S. and many European countries to be overtaken by ideologies that don’t align with the values I grew up with or consider reasonable. I’ve seen reports of horrific crimes committed by some of these migrants, women and children being raped, citizens being silenced or even prosecuted for speaking out. And what’s worse: the government, the media, and even law enforcement sometimes appear to side with the offenders over their own people. It’s maddening.

The previous U.S. administration seemed to be letting the same thing happen here. Wide open borders. Illegal immigrants being prioritized over our own citizens. Why? The only explanation that makes sense is replacement. And I don’t say that lightly because these immigrants will tell you to your face, thats exactly what they intend to do, replace us, out breed us.

I have children and grandchildren. I could probably ignore all of this and live out the rest of my life relatively unaffected but what about them? What kind of country will they inherit?

This realization is what led me to take a closer look at Trump during the last election. And what I discovered when I started studying the politics I had ignored for so long shocked me. The mainstream media and the Democratic Party have been lying to us for years, editing interviews, twisting words, stripping sarcasm of context by replacing it with blatant misinterpretation, and pushing a narrative I simply can’t make sense of beyond: “Trump is evil.”

When I looked closer, I saw someone trying to prevent exactly the kind of societal collapse that worries me. To be clear, I don’t agree with Trump on everything. But I will not support a party that allows our country to be invaded while our government hands out my hard-earned tax dollars to those invaders while I struggle every single day to provide for my family.

People are so blinded by what they see in the media, they can’t even explain what they’re absorbing without resorting to name-calling or violence. And here we are barely a year into Trump’s second term and things seem to be changing slowly. I hope, against hope, that we’re heading back in the right direction. For that reason I have just registered to vote for the first time ever.

Yet I still watch in disbelief as the extreme left refuses to acknowledge any progress this administration makes, all because of their hatred for one man. A hatred fueled by Hollywood elites, a corrupt media, and those within our country who seem to have blinders on and refuse to even hear opposing viewpoints.

Which brings me to my real struggle. This past Wednesday, we lost Charlie Kirk. That is to say he was taken from us. As I said earlier, I’ve never been a religious man. My beliefs about our origins are complex, and maybe a conversation for another time. But in learning about Charlie, watching his videos, reading his words, I began to see that religion can be a good thing, too.

Maybe... just maybe, I’ve had blinders on since I was a child. Maybe I’ve treated religion the way the left has treated Trump, focusing only on the worst examples and throwing a blanket over the rest.

Yes, I had bad experiences with Christianity. I saw judgment, I saw hatred, and I turned away. But Charlie, he spoke with conviction and love. He told his truth, but he also listened to those who disagreed with him. And he did it with kindness.

That made me think... maybe it’s possible to have strong faith without speaking down to others. Maybe his values like family, freedom of speech, open dialogue, and protecting our country, align more closely with mine than I ever realized. More so, even, than the Satanic tenets I once thought I believed in.

In the aftermath of his assassination, I saw an outpouring of love. But I also saw hate. One moment stood out, a young man walked through a peaceful gathering, turned to the crowd, threw up the devil horns, and shouted, “Hail Satan!”

It’s hard to put into words the shame I felt in that moment. It was just one guy, but he took something I once identified with and used it to mock people in mourning. I could never do that. And it made me question everything. So what if you didn’t agree with Charlie? Can’t you at least recognize he was a good man? His faith and his conviction made him that way. And I like to think I’m a good man too.
So now I’m asking myself—what does that really mean? What is a good man?

I don’t know if I’m ready to walk into a church. I don’t know if I can accept religion wholesale. But I know what I’m not. I’m not someone who roots against his own country. I’m not someone who mocks the grieving. I’m not someone who celebrates an assassination because someone dared to think differently.

That’s where I’m at, torn, questioning, and feeling spiritually homeless.

Because while I do believe there was a man named Jesus Christ... and I do believe in a higher power in some form... I also believe in human error, misinterpretation, and manipulation. I don’t know of a church where I could walk in and say, “I don’t believe what you believe, but I want to be accepted anyway.”

So here I am.

Homeless, in that way.

Why I am not an atheist

   I usually avoid this topic in fear of alienating myself from friends or family, religion. But I got to thinking recently, why should I avoid my beliefs, censor my voice and opinions, when it is expected of me to conform (or at least tolerate) mainstream beliefs such as Christianity. Much of this has melded itself into modern day society, and that's okay with me. Things vary from things like celebrating the Christmas holiday, hiding Easter eggs for my kids, or the simple "bless you" I find myself saying when someone nearby sneezes. These are things I grew up with, and while I enjoy the warm fuzzy feeling one gets from wishing a complete stranger a wonderful holiday season, it by no means defines who I am or what I truly believe.

  What do you believe then? you may be asking yourself. I often ask myself the same question. I'll try to answer this the best way I can in words, because I've come to the conclusion that a lot of the way I believe comes not from what has been spoken to me, what I've been taught, or what I've read, but it comes from the inner me. That feeling I get when I look at the world around me, or ponder the stars and universe that surrounds us all, or when I dive deep into my own psyche and common sense to look at spirituality. Much of this can simply NOT be put in to words, for it is just, I. 

  As a small child, much of my family and extended family were very religious, its all I knew or had been taught. I had never questioned God, Jesus, angels, the devil, or any of it, to me it just... was. (Sorry in advance for the computer terms, its just me trying to explain my thoughts) You see, the child mind is an amazing thing, but the one flaw I've found is that it can be filled with a lot of malware. The mind has yet to develop any kind of firewall and will take in whatever you feed it. I guess this is by no means a flaw, as it is very necessary to separate intelligent beings, from instinctual animals. Where the problem comes in however, is the fact that it can be trained to limit its own free will by being programmed and not filtering things, such as religion, and I see this as a very dangerous upload. After accepting this "programming" some people will live the rest of their lives discarding any future software that is not compatible with the base program. An example of this is the fact some people will shun some aspects of science in the name of religion.

  Around the age of six, I met a friend, more of a big brother really. I don't remember how the subject came up, but I learned he was an atheist. He didn't believe in god, heaven, hell, or anything of the sort. He believed in the evolution of earth, and everything on it. When we died, that was it, we ceased to exist and simply rotted back in to the ground. This did not sit well with me, but I did something many will not. I didn't simply discard the "software", I kept trying to alter it, to make it fit with my base programming. Maybe it was because I was young enough that my firewalls had not yet been erected fully, or maybe it was that I looked up to this man in such a manner, that I wanted to "force run" the software in an attempt to understand him. But when I did this, something amazing happened, I began to develop my own software.

  First I began to question the need for religion at all. The answer to that is simple. It is to place answers on our most basic questions. Who are we, why are we here, and where do we come from. The need to answer these questions not only created religion, but the institutions that surround them. This has been going on in human history forever. There have been many, many different religions and gods in our past, I imagine the number to be in the thousands, but who's to say for sure. What I kept coming back to though was, out of all of these beliefs, How do we know Christianity has it right. (I use Christianity as an example because that's what I grew up around) short answer... Christians.   Look people, every belief system out there has something to point to as proof. The institutions I mentioned will not so easily give up what they have built. They will take fact and warp it to fit into their myth. This again is proven by science proving things false, and the powers that be doing one of two things, they'll either suggest that what they have been saying all along was misunderstood, or that the two sides really do go together, evolution for example. Sure, the churches will now admit there is something to evolution, but will still point to Adam and Eve as the start of it. If that's the case, better start making some new pictures of them, and they'd need to look like marsupials. My point is, I don't know where "humanity" actually began, but I do know, we just slowly became more and more human, and we're not done yet. Maybe in 500,000 or a million, or even a billion years from now, we may look back at what we are now, and see us as the equivalent of those very marsupials.

  My apologies, let me get back on track. Aside from the basic questions of life, there is a need for control and structure. What better way to control someone, then to give them a guide and expectations, tell them he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good or be, forsaked. You see what I did there? This is what we tell our children about Santa in order to control them, to guide their behavior, but at the same time, and at a higher level, we're allowing religion to control us as children. Maybe there was a time when this was absolutely necessary to control populations/groups of people,  but I honestly believe we live in a time with us being so connected, enlightened, and evolved, that we are at a point where we can control our fellow man not with threats of torture and hell, but with basic morality. Its already happening! We just don't have any practice at it and can get a little out of hand. Look at how politically correct most people have become since the world has been truly connected. Enlightenment has begun, though we still have a long way to go.

  Having said all of that, I think it as an almost certainty that any intelligent life form throughout the cosmos, has walked this same road. Though there has to be a point in evolution when a switch is flipped, and the being can start to see things with common sense, and not common myth. I like to think we are just about there.

  We also needed our religions and beliefs to help us cope, to deal with death, stress and heartache. Almost all religions tell us of an afterlife, a place where you'll be one with, or at peace with and rewarded based on the life you lived. They gave us something to pray to, to sacrifice for. I'm not saying these things are untrue or worthless, I do believe in an after life, for energy can not be destroyed, only transformed. And prayer holds the power of good will, or hope, which generally carries with it positive, constructive, and healing energies. I do not believe however, that there is some almighty listening and deciding rather or not to answer these prayers. Sure, sometimes prayers are answered, but if you truly think about it, we don't generally pray for things that are just not possible, otherwise, we wouldn't bother asking. So sometimes we are bound to see these prayers realized, it's almost mathematic. I believe that prayer is something that will continue to carry with us throughout time, but who or what we pray to, and how we go about releasing these energies, will change.

  Once I was satisfied with why religion was there at all, I started looking at the opposite end of the spectrum. I tried looking at things from my "big brother's" point of view. Are we really just clusters of atoms that happen line up just right to make, us, the earth, the universe around us? Is it all for nothing?  Do we really just return to nothingness after our short lives? Well, here is my answer. Look at the age of the universe. 13.82 billion years old right? No... maybe our reality can have some sort of time stamp placed on it, but not all that is. I believe in multiple universes, but not like you might think.

  Look at what happens when things are compressed and become dense. We have proven that we can slow the speed of light by forcing it to travel through dense objects. Now imagine if you will a black hole. Light, as they say, can not even escape. Now put yourself within the singularity. Time, space and matter are completely reset, and with it everything we attribute to size. You can take a black hole, within a black hole, within another, and the size of a star be the same within the first as it is within the last because space resets with each new step, Light that outside the black hole could pass in an instant, will now take billions of years to pass through once within. Matter becomes reinvented each time, it is crushed to a solid, a clear solid,  that we only know as dark matter. We can't see it, we can't touch it, but we know its there. It holds the universe together, it slows light to a crawl which resets time, and it allows expansion in such a uniform way because as/while each singularity feeds,  this new found black matter isn't added where it falls, it becomes one with the rest. Crazy confusing right?

   If you take all of these countless resets, stand back, and now look at the real age of all that is, the only word that I can think fits it is, eternity. Now look back at us a the human race, we're not even a flicker in time. The "all that is" that I speak of is divine all in itself. Life is simply a by product the "all that is" becoming self aware and being a living entity in itself. You can't take something so complex, slap an eternity sticker on it, and expect it to never awaken. We did, we're the proof.

   It isn't aware of us, it didn't wave a wand to create us, it doesn't judge us, or punish us, but when we die, we become one with it again, become aware of it again, but most of all we see ourselves as we really are, and return to from where we came, and when that happens, it will "feel" as heaven, I hope.

  This is why I am not an atheist. I am spiritual. I do believe in more then nothing, just not in a biblical sense. We don't need to fear god to be righteous or kept in control, we're part of it.

(this is a draft, and incomplete)
To be continued..................

Celeste test book1

Chapter 1 Year 2137

Her eyes strained as she glazed out the windshield of her 2136 Tesla glider. The automobile was not actually a glider, but was built to seemingly glide upon any road no matter the conditions since the common road noise and road feel was eliminated decades ago with the introduction of this model vehicle through the use of magnetic engineering. While it still had the standard wheels and tires, it was guided and stabilized by various sensors in the car itself and the roadways causing the on board computer to compensate for every crack or crevice in the road. Since there was far less vehicles on the road then 100 years prior, there were also far less options. The gliders had become the standard vehicle. There were only a few other options available, and those were usually reserved for the military, government officials, or the very rich. 

It wasn't easy for modern day drivers to remember they must remain alert while operating these modern day vehicles, even though they practically drove themselves, anything could go wrong that the computer may not be able to compensate for in time. The human mind was still far superior in calculating unexpected events and reacting in the proper manner. One of the most common of problems was the operator falling asleep during such a smooth ride. This concern was a huge issue when the technology was introduced, but quickly swept under the rug as paranoia or an un willingness to change by the republic of China, which was now in charge and over saw politics in most western and European countries.

With still close to an hour of travel to her destination, she strained once again looking at the surroundings hoping the moonlight would help with recognizing some sort of land markings of the wooded area. It had been many years since she had traveled this place, which was now North California. California had been split in to two states shortly before the revolutionary wars of 2088, and the last time she was here, she was just a teen, and on foot for that matter.

As the familiar dark outline, visible only by the moonlight, of the mountain ranges before her began to take shape, the moist smell of a nearby creek containing rotting vegetation started to filter through the ventilation system. She was nearing her home, or what she had once called home a little more then a decade earlier. Memories started to fill her mind as she thought about her parents.

Her father had led her mother to these parts when the wars started. Celest was born almost 20 years later. This place held the only memories of her past. He taught her martial arts, how to live off the land, and how to read people with only a few words. The times of the wars were dark, and many believed it was the end of times. Her father wanted to do everything he could to make sure if they did survive through the worst, that she would be able to start anew with the knowledge he passed down to her. They spent many a night around the camp fire while he pointed to the stars and explained things about the universe in a way he thought she could understand. While the world never ended, and her parents never emerged from the woods, she was easily able to re assimilate in to society with her fathers teachings after the wars had ended and a new world structure had been built.

During the worst of times, many others retreated into rural areas as her and her family had, creating small communities. They were not alone, but she knew of few outside the immediate surroundings, and as she grew, she inevitably began to notice the opposite sex. In 2122 she met a boy named Troy in a neighboring community. While her father did everything he could to keep her away from any boy, he couldn't watch her all the time, and it wasn't hard for the young couple to began meeting up in secret locations, and on a regular basis.

Two years later, she approached her father, and had a very awkward conversation with him. She explained that her and Troy had began to wonder if it would be better for them to create a life in the cities. They had heard rumors that the hostilities had ended, and of the endless job opportunities available to help rebuild the words infrastructure. She knew she wouldn't get his blessing, and he knew that he couldn't stop her even if he down right refused her request to leave the community. He only nodded and continued to whittle on a small statuette, which he often did when he wanted to ignore an uncomfortable situation. She soon gave up on trying to convince him of the pros when his only reaction was the growing, pulsing vain over his right temple. She sighed, stood, kissed his forehead and headed to the nearby shelter where her mother was watching in tears. She could not hear the words her daughter spoke to her husband, but by the look on his face she knew of the topic in which she spoke. Upon reaching her mother, they locked arms and spent most of the rest of the night crying on each others shoulders while her mother helped her gather up a few of her most precious possessions.

As she continued closer to what she believed to be her destination, she wiped a tear away as the light of a glider headed in the opposite direction jolted her momentarily from her memories. “I will find you father, this I promise.” She whispered to herself as she once again let the memories flood back to her. 

It was the morning after she had spoken to her parents, her mother somberly greeted her as she emerged from her sleeping quarters. Her mothers eyes were swollen and bloodshot, it was obvious neither of them had slept a wink that night. After a momentary embrace with her mother, they stood back from one another, each wiping the tears from the others cheeks. Stepping into the encampment, her eyes searched for her father. The fire was unattended, and the nearby pebble stone creek-side beach, where her father often spent the mornings fishing, was abandoned. She began to cry uncontrollably knowing the pain she had caused her parents, just as a hand landed upon her shoulder. Turning and seeing Troy's concerned face behind her, she fell into his arms sobbing now harder then ever before.

After spending some time, and sharing some breakfast with her mother and Troy, she collected up her backpack, a few supplies, and said her final farewells to her mother. Taking Troys hand they headed south in search of the very mountain hwy she was presently traveling on. She cried off and on for more then an hour as her and Troy got further and further away from the community. She had stopped several times and started back in a flurry of emotion, only to be stopped by Troy and re assured they were indeed doing the right thing. The fact that her father had not seen her off hurt her the most, how could he be so angry as to not at least hug her and to give Troy instructions on the best way back to civilization. She knew he didn't hate them, but she also knew he was not one for showing any type of emotion.

They were mere mile or two from the winding hwy as they headed through a clearing exposing rocky cliffs on either side, when the sound of her fathers voice rang out from a distance. Looking in the direction of the voice, they both could see his silhouette upon the top of a nearby cliff to the east of them, nearly washed out by the mid morning sun.

“Celeste! Celeste! Never forget me my daughter! I love you! Remember my words! My teachings! For I will never forget you! You are my life! My purpose! Do not return for us, we will fair fine! Stay strong and do not cry! Be well my daughter! For I will always be watching over you! I love you! Goodbye my princess!”

That was the last she had ever seen or heard from her father before this attempt. It was years before she let herself cry after that, for he had mended her heart, and she accepted his strength as her own.

Wiping away a couple more tears, she wielded her hands in front of her eyes, another vehicle was approaching, but this time the light was so bright it caused her to take manual control of the vehicle and slow to the side of the road from the lack of vision. As the light got brighter and brighter, it began to appear as daylight around her. “What the hell is that!” She said aloud as the light got so bright she was forced to close her eyes in an attempt to wait until it passed. Though it didn't pass, it continued to get brighter tell even with her eyes closed it felt as if she was staring directly into the sun. Then, an eerie silence, the flash of blackness, and unconsciousness took hold of her.

2

A chill ran through her as her eyes fluttered letting the dim morning light filter in. Her blurry vision slowly began to clear, the early morning dew on the windshield tricking Celeste in to rubbing her eyes more then necessary as her mind cleared becoming aware of her surroundings. Her vehicle still at idle, but now in neutral, blew chilly moist air through the vents causing a second chill to prick at her skin. Outside, a thick layer of fog rolled passed the car, making the mountain road in front of her barely visible, The only light the dim morning sky offered with the rising, yet to crest sun, was hardly able to filter down through the surrounding redwoods.

Her body stiffened at the realization of where her memories left off. Her quest, interrupted, remains. However her decision to pull over to rest eludes her. “That light” she murmurs to herself, eyes closed, rubbing the bridge of her nose. Maybe she had pulled off to rest and it was all a dream, It felt like only moments ago to her anyway. “That had to of been it, a dream” she reassures herself. The clearer her mind became, the more the light faded to the back of her mind like an early morning dream fading from ones thoughts, no matter how hard she tried to recall the events.

Without taking the time to adjust the temperature controls, Celeste reached to the smart panel and tapped the power down icon on the touch screen. Silence took over as the hum of the climate control blower motor wound to a halt. A slight ringing in her ears was all that remained, only interrupted by the regular rhythm of her breath. Opening the car door gave way to the sound of the redwoods, a sound of which she has gone far to long without. A slight breeze, trickling water from the nearby creek, crickets in the distance, and awakening birds up in the trees (including a nearby owl), and the scent to cap it all off, almost overwhelming her. Now standing with arms outstretched, she took a deep breath and then let them fall limp upon exhale.

With a quick survey of the surrounding area, Celeste becomes aware of the familiarity, not only with the environment, but the exact location. “Impossible” she hears herself say. “I was still an hour away.... How can it be...” Bristly walking to the adjacent side of the road, she finds herself standing on the very same dear trail that her and Troy had found the road with so many years earlier. The trail was marked by a bench sized boulder the two had rested upon while waiting for any passerby that was willing to give then a ride to the nearest town or city. Her mind reached again to the hours before. “Maybe I did continue on, only to stop when I got here. No way I was so tired though that I.. Or did I? Did I fall asleep and the vehicle fail to awaken me ignoring its own fail safes by not stopping” she pondered.

Whatever the case, she had gone as far as she could by car. She took several minutes changing in to the appropriate gear and going over a mental list of some things she wanted to make sure she had in her pack for her hike. The teachings of her father never wavered. Survival gear was the first on her list, water, nutrient bars, the standard toiletries, a laser blade, a change of clothing, and a few luxury items, one of which was a magazine (which was rare and hard to find in paper form) that highlighted the regrowth and infrastructure of the modern cities. If she was to be successful in her goal of reuniting with, and possibly talking her parents in to re locating, it was going to be needed since her parents had been cut off from the outside world for decades. After checking the Tesla Glider was secure, Celeste pulled the straps on her pack tight, and headed down into the trail disappearing in to the fog.

Her thoughts traveled back to the last time she had made this trek, (but in reverse) At the time her and Troy left, their emotions were so high, it was hard not to run, not only with excitement of what was to come, but in fear of not being able to go through with it. She imagined what it may had been like if they had stayed. Would they have children of their own, and live in solitude as they were raised from such a young age, or would Troy had left her behind. Knowing the man Troy was, she felt the latter would have been true eventually. She never would of let him leave without her, but if she had absolutely refused to leave, after some time, his want for more would have pried him from her, of that she felt sure.

The fog begin to clear as she neared the meadow with the rocky cliffs where she has last seen her father. The place seemed smaller, but it was the over growth that had began to encroach into the clearing. The annual amount of rain fall had nearly doubled with the change in climate in the last decade since she had been there. She looked up as she passed through almost expecting her father to be standing where she last watched him call out his goodbye, but she grinned at the thought knowing there was no way they'd know she was coming.

During the wars, people were separated, not only physically, but mentally. People that stayed in the city, “dwellers” or went back for that matter, (such as her and Troy) wanted to rebuild all that had been destroyed. The people that retreated, survived, and stayed secluded, “diggers”, (because they dug in to safe land) wanted nothing to do with the cities or outside world. Acceptance was hard for many. And who could blame them, everybody lost everything. Billions had died during the economic collapse and war. Less then 1 billion people remained at last estimates, but the numbers were sketchy because diggers were almost as hard to find (when they didn't want to be) as the mythical BigFoot. The drop in population made interaction rare. Yes, there was government again, in the cities. States remained, roads were maintained, infrastructure was all but back to normal, but highways were empty compared to prewar. During the rebound, those in smaller towns, that had survived, moved to the cities for resources. Some stayed, but areas outside and close to the major cities became farm land with ghost towns (or small ghost cities) littered in between. Further out, only “diggers” remained.

As Celeste neared her old encampment, the trails seemed to close up on her. She grew more worried with every strike of her laser blade as she cleared the path she used to run through as a child. With strands of hair now stuck to her sweaty forehead, she breaks through the thick brush to a scene she feared all along, but never allowed herself to contemplate. She could barely make out where their dwellings (huts or shacks made from the surrounding woods and scraps of building materials they were able to find at the time) had once stood. Grass and ferns covered almost everything, the grass leaving thick lines where the walls once stood. The pebble beach her father had spent his mornings fishing at, was completely covered in shrubbery.

Her eyes begin to well with tears. “No..” She repeated to her self over and over. “No.. no.. NOO!” her gaze thinned. “Do not return for us, we will fair fine! Be strong and do not cry!” Her fathers voice rang through her head. “Damn you! You knew I'd return! And you left! You left me!” Her voice became louder “You let me leave!” He voice softens again “I left... I left you....” then a whisper as she falls to her knees clutching her face in an attempt to hold back the tears “I'm sorry..I should have come back”

Hours seemed to of pass as Celeste sat in an almost meditative state trying to hold back emotions she no longer seem to have control over, though it was only minutes. The usual ringing in her ears (she hears in complete silence) gave way to a slight hum, almost a buzz. Her head tilts in search of a direction of this imaginary intrusion, and stands as the noise gets louder with the redirection of her hearing.

As she looks in the direction on the noise, Troy's essence flows through her. Memories of sneaking off to meet him when they were young flash before her. It was Troy's old “camp” she was looking towards. She had planned on visiting Troy's parents, as soon as she found her own, it hadn't occurred to her otherwise, but now plans had changed. And who knew if they were there either. Maybe both communities were gone and it was just one lone digger left to keep the camp secure. The only thing she did know, was that, that sound was not native to the redwoods.

Nearing the sound of the nearby encampment, the trails once again began to open up. Celeste found herself carrying her blade by her side instead of slashing it around before her. It was also clear now, the sound was that of a small engine, one that may sound like a small tractor or a lawnmower.

“Halt! Who comes?!” a voice calls out from the shrubbery before her. Startled but not surprised, Celeste stops in her tracks and replies.

“My name is Celeste, I am digger by root. I search for the Hillside family. I mean no intrusion.”

Living with the Beast

Hello family and friends. I have been thinking about starting a blog for many years to record my life, opinions and theories. Being the procrastinator that I am, it just hasn't happened until now. My current condition has pushed me here to try and share what it is and what its like for many other sufferers. First things first, I'm not writing this to get sympathy, or for anybody to feel sorry for me. It just helps to know that people might understand in some way. When I tell people I suffer from clusters, they assume it is a migraine. While I do not intend to take away from migraine sufferers, these are nothing like the standard migraine headache. Let me explain.

Back in 95-96 around the age of 20, I was told I "may" have cluster headaches. At the time I was a painter in the Santa Rosa area. I started getting these weird headaches of the likes I had never had before. At first I thought maybe stress, maybe my diet, or something of the sort had set them off. My sister suffered from migraines in her younger years, so to me it was not too far fetched that I too could be suffering from the same. The one day while working, I had a headache so intense, so excruciating, that I was unable to speak or function at all. One side of my face became blotchy, and my right eye swelled shut. At this point I was sure something was seriously wrong. I now know, as bad as they were, that the headaches that started them off, were mere shadows of what was to come A tumor, a blood clot? what could possibly account this this amount of pain?

After several days of experiencing two of these headaches a day lasting about 45 minutes each, and constant shadows in between, a had had enough. Not having insurance, I ended up at a walk in clinic. At the time of the visit, I was not having a headache, and they told me there was nothing they could do. The doctor did know of clusters, (which now looking back, surprises me) and told me that may be what I was experiencing. I left with a list of migraine triggers, and a prescription for ibuprofen, which of course did nothing. a couple months in to crossing triggers off the list, they just stopped cold turkey. At that point, I had made it to MSG on the list. Maybe it was the MSG? Maybe it was the paint fumes that I breathed every day? I was just glad they were gone and wanted to move on and put that part of my life behind me.

A few years later I was living in Lancaster cali and working as a mechanic in an auto shop. One night, without warning, I was awoken with the all to familiar sensation of an ice pic not only being stuck in to my right temple, but as if it was being stabbed in, and ground around against the back of my eyeball. I guess it wasn't the paint fumes after all *eye roll*. I hadn't thought about the "beast" since my last cycle had ended, expecting to never experience them again. I was told by the doc at the walk in clinic, that I probably had clusters, but myself not having internet access back in those days, I had never researched them, and had no idea they might/would come back. That night was the worst, but not because of the pain. As I rocked back and forth, crying, grasping, and beating on the right side of my head, rolling around on the floor, pacing an angry pace, moaning, yelling out to "Just stop!" pleading to "please please just go away PLEASE!"  it finally hit me, it was back. The fear that thought brought to me was almost, almost, as bad as the pain. I knew if it was anything like last time, they would get worse, a LOT worse. On a kip scale of 1-10, this was maybe a 7. (I'll explain more about the kip scale in a few.) Were they here for good? Could anybody help me? The answer was no. While no, they were not here for good, at the same time, I couldn't get help. That cycle lasted for about four months if I remember correctly, hitting every morning and evening after work at just about exactly the same time everyday, as if it was a scheduled beating.

The next couple of cycles were in 2000 while working with my father in AZ as a framer, Then again a couple of years later while back in Cali working as a mechanic again I had gone to the emergency room, had CT scans and lots of tests of the sort. It wasn't until 2004 I seeked help from a neurologist. Again not having insurance, I went ahead and paid for this visit. She again gave me a list of migraine triggers (keep in mind, these are not migraines) a prescription for depakote, (which most in my family know is a seizure medication) and some sample of a tripton medication. None of this worked, though I must admit, I never bothered with the depakote, simply because of what I learned soon after.

It was at this point, I finally started doing my own research. It had never occurred to me that the answers I wanted were at the tips of my fingers. I was told the condition was rare, so I just didn't think there would be much information out there. To my pleasure, I found a couple of support groups. "Support" let that sink in for a moment, all these years, I knew nobody that had clusters. The doctors were just a plain waste of time, I had become hopeless. While I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy, I remember reading testimonials of other sufferers and crying thinking, "Thats it! thats exactly it!" and  "finally, I know where to find people that can relate." I read everything there was to read, and learned way more then I thought I ever would from these groups. I called the nero I had recently visited and asked her for a prescription for oxygen, which is used to abort an on coming cluster. She refused explaining that she didn't believe in those treatments. *sighs*

I learned there are two type of sufferers, episodic, and chronic. I thank the stars everyday that I am not chronic, for they deal with the beast on a never ending bases. Episodic sufferers, like myself, get them in "clusters" every few years for most. I learned of the kip scale which is a scale drawn up by a gentleman by the name of Bob Kipple. This gives one an easy and quick way to explain to those around me of my current level of pain with just having to speak a number. It is as follows.

Pain level 0
No pain, life is beautiful
Pain level 1
Very minor, shadow's come and go. Life is still beautiful
Pain level 2
More persistent shadow's
Pain level 3
Shadow's are getting constant but can deal with it
Pain level 4
Starting to get bad, want to be left alone
Pain level 5
Still not a "pacer" but need space
Pain level 6
Wake up grumbling, curse a bit, but can get back to sleep without "dancing"
Pain level 7
Wake up, sleep not an option, take the beast for a walk and finally fall into bed exhausted
Pain level 8
Time to scream, yell, curse, head bang, rock, whatever work's
Pain level 9
The "why me?" syndrome starts to set in
Pain level 10
Major pain, screaming, head banging, ER trip, Depressed, Suicidal.


Notice the last word there for a kip 10, suicidal. These headaches are often referred to as "suicide headaches" which I can totally understand. They are also clinically noted as "The worlds most painful disease on the planet known to medical science" as Quoted by Dr. Peter Goadsby.

Last night was a kip 7. But my cycle just started again a couple days ago, they'll get worse I'm sure. As I am writing this, my hands are shaking because I am hopped up on energy drinks, the taurine they contain can help keep the beast at bay, I've aborted two today so far, but you can only drink so many of these, plus they don't always work. Currently I am at a kip 2. Anymore then that, I doubt I'd be able to type this, let alone be able to think clearly enough to be writing. Even when not having a higher level headache, the shadows stay around pretty much through my whole cycle all day, everyday. They keep one in constant fear, and serve as a constant reminder that the beast will be by for a visit sooner rather then later.

I hope my coworkers, friends, and family take the time to read this. Not to feel sorry for me, not because I expect any special attention. But because not only do I get tired of trying to explain it, and feeling like I am whining, It's nice to know that maybe, just maybe, they'll understand why I will be a bit off for the remainder of this cycle.

Thanks all,
and to any other sufferers that may be reading this, I wish you a pain free day.


Below I thought I'd add a clip from the documentary "clusterheads" There are many such clips on youtube, but I don't feel bad posting this as it was in the movie.