I’ve been really struggling lately, especially in light of recent events. I’ve never been a particularly political person, I always considered myself left-leaning, but I never registered to vote, never cast a ballot. If anyone asked me about politics, my typical response would be something like, “None of them can be trusted. They’re all corrupt in their own ways and only serve the interests of themselves and their donors.”
Religion wasn’t much different for me. I’ve never been religious. In fact, I’ve had experiences with extreme religious individuals that left a bad taste in my mouth, hostility, judgment, hypocrisy, and more. Over the years, I began to identify as an atheistic Satanist. Not because I believed in the devil, hell, or anything supernatural. It was more about two things.
First, it served as a kind of deflection. I didn’t want to conform to Christianity or be preached to. I didn’t want to pretend to believe in a book that didn’t align with my conclusions about life. People who knew I identified as a Satanist generally avoided pushing their beliefs on me and that was freeing.
Second, I connected with the core tenets of Satanism, at least in theory, ideas like empathy, justice, bodily autonomy, individual freedom, scientific understanding, accepting human imperfection, and living by your own principles. I tried to get involved with The Satanic Temple, but honestly, it felt shallow. It seemed to revolve mainly around LGBTQ+ activism, abortion rights, and provocative slogans like “Hail Satan!” shouted at every opportunity.
Do I oppose those causes? Not necessarily. But the movement lacked the connection I was searching for as I didn't see myself connecting with grown men and women acting like cliquish children. So I took the imagery and identity and made it my own, in a quieter, more personal way.
That’s just a little background on where I’ve been in recent years.
Over the past couple decades, I’ve watched the world change and not for the better. More recently open borders have allowed both the U.S. and many European countries to be overtaken by ideologies that don’t align with the values I grew up with or consider reasonable. I’ve seen reports of horrific crimes committed by some of these migrants, women and children being raped, citizens being silenced or even prosecuted for speaking out. And what’s worse: the government, the media, and even law enforcement sometimes appear to side with the offenders over their own people. It’s maddening.
The previous U.S. administration seemed to be letting the same thing happen here. Wide open borders. Illegal immigrants being prioritized over our own citizens. Why? The only explanation that makes sense is replacement. And I don’t say that lightly because these immigrants will tell you to your face, thats exactly what they intend to do, replace us, out breed us.
I have children and grandchildren. I could probably ignore all of this and live out the rest of my life relatively unaffected but what about them? What kind of country will they inherit?
This realization is what led me to take a closer look at Trump during the last election. And what I discovered when I started studying the politics I had ignored for so long shocked me. The mainstream media and the Democratic Party have been lying to us for years, editing interviews, twisting words, stripping sarcasm of context by replacing it with blatant misinterpretation, and pushing a narrative I simply can’t make sense of beyond: “Trump is evil.”
When I looked closer, I saw someone trying to prevent exactly the kind of societal collapse that worries me. To be clear, I don’t agree with Trump on everything. But I will not support a party that allows our country to be invaded while our government hands out my hard-earned tax dollars to those invaders while I struggle every single day to provide for my family.
People are so blinded by what they see in the media, they can’t even explain what they’re absorbing without resorting to name-calling or violence. And here we are barely a year into Trump’s second term and things seem to be changing slowly. I hope, against hope, that we’re heading back in the right direction. For that reason I have just registered to vote for the first time ever.
Yet I still watch in disbelief as the extreme left refuses to acknowledge any progress this administration makes, all because of their hatred for one man. A hatred fueled by Hollywood elites, a corrupt media, and those within our country who seem to have blinders on and refuse to even hear opposing viewpoints.
Which brings me to my real struggle. This past Wednesday, we lost Charlie Kirk. That is to say he was taken from us. As I said earlier, I’ve never been a religious man. My beliefs about our origins are complex, and maybe a conversation for another time. But in learning about Charlie, watching his videos, reading his words, I began to see that religion can be a good thing, too.
Maybe... just maybe, I’ve had blinders on since I was a child. Maybe I’ve treated religion the way the left has treated Trump, focusing only on the worst examples and throwing a blanket over the rest.
Yes, I had bad experiences with Christianity. I saw judgment, I saw hatred, and I turned away. But Charlie, he spoke with conviction and love. He told his truth, but he also listened to those who disagreed with him. And he did it with kindness.
That made me think... maybe it’s possible to have strong faith without speaking down to others. Maybe his values like family, freedom of speech, open dialogue, and protecting our country, align more closely with mine than I ever realized. More so, even, than the Satanic tenets I once thought I believed in.
In the aftermath of his assassination, I saw an outpouring of love. But I also saw hate. One moment stood out, a young man walked through a peaceful gathering, turned to the crowd, threw up the devil horns, and shouted, “Hail Satan!”
It’s hard to put into words the shame I felt in that moment. It was just one guy, but he took something I once identified with and used it to mock people in mourning. I could never do that. And it made me question everything. So what if you didn’t agree with Charlie? Can’t you at least recognize he was a good man? His faith and his conviction made him that way. And I like to think I’m a good man too.
So now I’m asking myself—what does that really mean? What is a good man?
I don’t know if I’m ready to walk into a church. I don’t know if I can accept religion wholesale. But I know what I’m not. I’m not someone who roots against his own country. I’m not someone who mocks the grieving. I’m not someone who celebrates an assassination because someone dared to think differently.
That’s where I’m at, torn, questioning, and feeling spiritually homeless.
Because while I do believe there was a man named Jesus Christ... and I do believe in a higher power in some form... I also believe in human error, misinterpretation, and manipulation. I don’t know of a church where I could walk in and say, “I don’t believe what you believe, but I want to be accepted anyway.”
So here I am.
Homeless, in that way.
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